 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hey, it's my LJ; I'm allowed to complain. I don't care who the hell reads this. I don't care if my old Humanities read this, I'm pissed and I'm gonna vent for ONCE in my life without feeling guilty! For once I won't feel bad for saying how I feel. So here it goes. Just for reference, if this hurts anyones feelings, sorry. I don't think I'm doing it on purpose; I'm just relaying what's bugging me. So deal with it like I have.
Starting with yesterday. I start out this shitty day by getting woken up from a kick my sleeping sister aims at my stomach. Why the hell was she sleeping in my bed and stealing all the blankets? I wish I knew. I get out of bed and walk out of my room, heading into the living room/kitchen. I go to make some cereal-pretty much the only thing I can actually eat-and there's no fucking milk. This is the warning sign of a shitty day, just sayin'. Every day there's no milk for cereal turns out to be a shitty day. So I eat some dry but loose my appetite and hop on the computer, trying to brush what happened so far out of my brain. My mom was asleep on one couch and my brother was asleep on the other. Oh, and I am very dramatic. Just fyi.
'Finally,' I think. 'Now I can have some alone time to calm down.' Cue Silver walking into the room and announcing the fact that she's awake. I greet her, since she's my little sister and hadn't conciously or intentionally done anything to piss me off yet. She eats some dry cereal and a piece of bread (yuck) and then begins watching Spongebob. Did I mention I hate that show? My phone vibrates and I get a text from Nyaa-chan telling me about how her and Ace are leaving to go to the pool and have fun. I would have gone if it weren't for the fact my mom said I couldn't.
I text back saying how I hope they have fun and in fact, however mean it is, hoping the opposite. I feel so out of it. YES this is one of Nym's "spoiled moments". I do have them. Just last week I had had fun sleeping over at Nyaa-chan's and Ace's and Momo's, but now here I was feeling isolated and shunned and out of the loop. This part I really DO feel horrible before, but hey, I'm a teen not a saint. I'm allowed to have spoiled moments. Anyways, she says she'll talk to me later while they go have fun. I literally lay on my bed and do absolutely nothing. This one of those times where if I told people this, the convo would play like so;
Me: I laid on my bed all day and did absolutely nothing.
Person: Why didn't you draw?
Me: I had to inspiration to draw.
Person: Why didn't you write?
Me: I had no inspiration to write, either.
Person: Why didn't you play with your sister?
Me: She went to her friends' house for the whole damn day.
Person: Clean?
Me: Someone already did.
Person: Tv? Computer? Piano?
Me: Brother, mom, no inspiration.
Person: You chose not to do anything, you could have done something.
Me: Bite me; I was depressed. You wouldn't have done anything either.
Yeah, pretty much. My mom wakes up around 3:30pm (I had to babysit the night before so she could go out and she didn't come home til 3:30am) and my brother wakes up around noon. Around 4 Nyaa-chan texts me telling about how much fun her and Ace had. This time Nym is not "spoiled", Nym is happy they had fun. I finally get on the computer and start to role play. I make a private thread and then what does some douchebag do? He posts pornographic pictures on my forum. It scared the Panic! out of me! I delete the post and report the bastard, but I was really shaken up. I mean, that was stuff I did NOT ever ever ever wanna see again. I couldn't even look at my little brother without gagging. Meanwhile I was texting Nyaa and I asked if she wanted to hang out tomorrow (which would be today) and she said sure and that she'd ask. I was excited-something to look forward to!
She told me her mom said no. I shrugged it off; it was fine with me. Her mom picked and dropped me off any time we wanted to hang out, I owed her. Then my friend Dave texts me asking how he looks on a scale of 1-10. I'm like "....what?" I told him I wasn't really in the mood to deal with his apperance reassurances. He asked why and I told him about what happened on the forums. He actually accused me of being interested in the pictures! Naturally I got pissed, and naturally I sighed it off. Then Nyaa decides to tell me the truth. The REAL reason she couldn't hang out today. Ace had invited her to help her and Jess with their babysitting camp thing, and she would rather do that. Okay, it doesn't bother me so much that she'd rather do that; hell, I think it'd be fun. No, what bothers me is that she lied to me! One of my best friends felt the need to lie to me!
How did that make me feel? Really fucking pissed, that's how. I hate when people lie about stuff that doesn't need to be lied about! I would have been okay if she had just told me "Hey, you know I'd love to hang with you, but I was already invited to help Ace and Jess; how about another time?" I would have been fine!
I JUST FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AND WANTS TO BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE as long as I was safe and happy.
Tags: beyond anger
Current Location: what do you care?
Current Mood:  pissed off
Current Music: Moonlight Sonata
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yes, I really did just quote a Nickelback song and put it as my title. Yes. Really. I like Nickelback :D Can I help it? Plus it's a good theme for today's entry...hehe, theme...like a TV show!!!!
Well....I feel bad cuz I haven't talked to one of my close friends Sam for days, and I think I pissed him off the last time I talked to him :( SAM IF YOU'RE READING THIS I'M SORRY!!! Cuz, see, he was playing Guild Wars but he was online Gmail so I talked to him and he died and I felt bad. I mean, how was I supposed to know? I still feel bad...plus I just miss talking to him. He makes me feel better when I'm sad, plus he's just cool, no matter how much he denies it.
OMJ! Panic! at the Disco's song 'New Perspective' is coming out in three days!!!! AHHHH! And it's gonna be in a movie called 'Jennifer's Body', along with All Time Low's 'Toxic Valentine' and Cobra Starship's 'Chew Me Up And Spit Me Out', as well as Hayley William's 'Teenagers'. So, even if it IS rated R I'm gonna go see it!!!!
Well, band practice was cancelled today and postponed to Monday, hanging out with Ace was also postponed from Sunday to Tuesday, and I don't know if Momo and I are hanging out Sunday. I'm getting used to being let down.
I WANNA BE LOOOOOOOOVED....
-NymTags: friends, i, love, nickelback, panic! at the disco
Current Location: home
Current Music: If Today Was Your Last Day-Nickelback
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Okay, today was kind of a waste of a day. I mean, not like I was gonna do anything exciting anyways, but at least I couldn't been bored in the cool instead of the heat D; We dropped my mom at mediation with my dad but he eneded up not showing up. My mom is super upset because she's trying to get a job and if she doesn't by the time the lease is due we're getting kicked out. From there, me and my siblings either go live with my bastard of a father, or we move to Colorado! It's all his fault, you know!
If he would just put his anger with my mom aside and start being mature we wouldn't be in this mess! If I have to leave my friends because of him, I will personally delete everything in his laptop and then pour coffee on the keyboard and then stick it in the sun and then throw it in the trash! I'm serious! I can't leave my friends I love them too much! Even when they're jerks sometimes, I love every single one of them, and I hope they love and care about me too.
I'm so ugh because my mom probably won't get a job and my dad's too happy off on his own, single with no troubles, to take his own goddamn kids in! Which means I have to leave my friends! I cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot CANNOT MOVE!!!!!
I hate my dad. Please, any friends that read this, please give me hugs because I might not have much longer with you guys. And to anyone I may have bothered accidentally (sam...) I'm really sorry and please don't be mad at me cause I don't think I can handle any more negative things right now. Tags: god, i cant move
Current Location: at home...
Current Mood:  distressed
Current Music: Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I'm lovesick. I might have to be hospitalized soon if I'm not careful. I'm just lonely. Everytime I tell someone they're like "Oh well don't worry about it, you're so young; you don't need to worry about relationships yet." Yes, I know the whole lecture, thanks. It doesn't make me feel any better! Just because I know I don't need to worry about it doesn't mean I'm not going to! I just feel lonely; sue me if you don't like it! (actually, please don't-we're getting kicked out of our house so we couldn't afford it). I just...I have so many solitude issues. It's retarted, and any guy that's odd enough to like me (I'd advise against it) should be aware of it lol.
Yeah I know, I'm lonely but I'm saying guys shouldn't like me. Hypocritical. I should explain myself, so first some background so you're not confused. When I was younger, I was always ignored because my sister and brother were such a handful. I knew how to take care of myself ever since I was five years old, and I did so easily. In school was the only place I was kind of happy considering I loved to learn. I'd actually fake being better when I was sick just so I wouldn't have to stay home.
After my parents got divorced, things didn't change much. My mom had always kinda raised us on her own while my dad worked. I was filled with resentment and rage towards my father, because he'd mentally abuse us. Not physically most of the time, just mentally. We'd be afraid everytime he came home, scared that he'd start yelling and cussing and putting us down. I finally had had enough and stood up for my sister and brother. I would love to say I was trying to be nobel and selfless for them, and sometimes I was, but most of my motivation was from anger. I'm sorry to my brother and sister for protecting them for all the wrong reasons.
Two years later, we're barely making by. No food, our house has no washer and drier, having to live with a bitch of a housemate and her brat of a son (ask pretty much any of my friends; they'll back me up on that), along with my brother's mental illness. He has schitzophrenia and major depression. He takes meds but hasn't been lately. I don't know why. I've finally seen what I have to do to keep my brother and sister happy, and that's to pretend I've forgiven my father.
No, I probably won't forgive my lying, abusive, cheating, workaholic father, just because I have a problem with grudges. One of my many flaws. My sister loves my dad and just wants his attention and love, but before I learned to fake my forgiveness I would have nothing to do with him. I wouldn't talk to him, I wouldn't look at him, I wouldn't be anywhere near him. I deleted him from my contacts, cut him out from my photos, everything. He fucked up my family. My sister was so young, and she's so mature to deal with the stuff she has, but she's still a child.
My mom has no sense of responsability. She thinks it's okay for my eight year old sister to walk to and from school alone, to go to friend's houses alone. I have to be the mom and walk her there, make sure she has a ride. All my mom does is sleep all day. She has no job. I know she's probably depressed, but she needs to get her act together for US, not her. Our time, not her time. My sister, therefore, has anger issues and no sense of boundaries. I try to set them up, but I have to earn their respect for any authority. I shouldn't have to do this, but I don't want ANYTHING to happen to them.
Now that I 'get along' with my dad, my sister isn't so angry because she's not fighting for his attention. Before he'd focus on trying to get me to love him again, and now that I 'have forgiven him', he can focus on making her happy. I'm glad. My brother...I don't think there's anything I can do for him but simply be there, you know? How can I heal his brain? I'm not a miracle worker.
There's so much more, but if I go too deep I'll find myself crying harder. What was the point in my saying all this? Well, simply to warn you. To anyone that likes me or is my friend, just...be careful. I'm really not a good person to like. Believe me. I'm not being nobel now, either, I'm just saying. I get to people, and not always in a good way.
Well, now that I've kind of explained myself, I guess I'm doomed to be lonely for now. Maybe I'm more than lovesick. Or maybe I just wanted people to know about me, like it would make us closer. I don't know. Good bye.
Tags: lovesick
Current Location: an island..in my mind...
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: nonw
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Living in Oregon, one of the rainiest states there is, you'd think I'd love the change in weather. You know, the heat, the sun, the absence of wind and clouds....but no, not really. I don't like the heat that much. In the cold, at least you can keep putting clothes on or whatever. In the heat, there's only so much you can take off before, you know, you get arrested. Now, in Florida at Disneyworld I didn't mind it ;D not at all. The hot guys there made it all worth while ^^-
Hm. Well, I went to the bookstore yesterday with my grandpa and found this really cool book called 'ru 4 real?' and its about these two people that meet over chat and like fall in love, and then thet meet each other. I only got 100pages in before my brother called me and said my grammy was here, so we rushed home and I'm like "grammyyyyyyy!!!!!!!". It was kinda weird cuz my grandpa is my dad's dad and my grammy is my mom's mommy, so...yeah. I mean they got along alright-it's kind of hard to not get along with my grandpa.
So today we're having a picnic at a park (woo). I have no one else to hang out with though D; I ish so lonely. Someone come overrrrr! Bleh, I look like crap today. You know, I read this part in that book from the girl's point of view (who's like the popular girl, but not bitchy) and her friend was complaining about how fat she was or whatever and the girl, Kyla, was thinking 'I should just say "You're right, you'll never be as pretty as me so deal with it and shut up!" but she knew what was expected of her and just told her she wasn't fat and stuff. Do people think that a lot?
Gotta go get ready, bye bye! Oh, and sorry for the late post; the heat makes me unmotivated. Love yall!!!! -<3 Nym
Tags: bleh, day, hot
Current Location: my house
Current Mood:  excited
Current Music: Starstrukk by 3Oh!3
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pseudonym_xx's journal
Previous
crazy
energetic
blah